Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
