I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
