i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
