Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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