I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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