I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
