were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
