i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
