Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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