so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
