i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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