24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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