i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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