Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize