I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
