you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
