today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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