we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
