My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
