When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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