no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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