Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
