sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
