So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize