Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I need a beard to bite.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
