some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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