dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
