The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
