First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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