Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
