My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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