Midget sex pt 2 tonight
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
