The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
