you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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