These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize