They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
