I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
