I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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