two words: eviction party
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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