she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
