Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize