Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
