So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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