i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
