I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the condom got lost in my hair
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
