How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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