He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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