There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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