i love accidental penises.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize