if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
