Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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