i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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