it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you win again, gameday.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
