she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
