Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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