Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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