I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
