Will you blow on my dice?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
