Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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