I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
