Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
