y did u give ur computer a hand job?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
