Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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